Being single can feel lonely sometimes.
Being single during a widespread pandemic can feel like complete isolation.
Esther Perel, relationship expert and couples therapist, often says that “crisis is a relationship accelerator”. You may see friends or couples around you having intense conflict or even headed toward a breakup faster than you can spell Coronavirus (especially at this point, months into our new not-so-normal). On the flip side, some couples are closer than ever before, with a rekindled passion and deep respect for each other after seeing how hard they work at their job or in parenting day after day.
For those who are single, you know that this pandemic hasn’t turned off your desire for connection; if anything, it may have accelerated it. We are being faced with a complete reshaping of dating as we know it.
This may feel hard. Very hard. Undesirable, frustrating, lonely, and scary.
Dating? Online only? Meet in person? Masks or no masks? Kissing is the quickest way to pass COVID, right?
It can be overwhelming.
But I want to pose a reframe here for you; the positive of this scenario. Dating in the time of COVID19 may be exactly what you need. Exactly what we need.
Prior to the pandemic, our culture was joy riding down the road of hookup culture. Asking someone out on a date meant something different than what it may mean in this moment. Assumptions from this framework often led people “dating” to seek out easy love; that idealized chemistry, only swiping right on the one who “looked” like the right fit for them, versus choosing to pave a relational path with someone based on values, interests, or a deeper knowing of each other.
Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, professor of Marriage 101 at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely (which I highly recommend), boldly talks about hookup culture in her latest book. She proclaims that “hookups feel like an extension of the wish that love could be simple and easy - and therefore not painful. Hookup culture reflects a fear of getting entangled, a fear of getting hurt, and a fear of screwing up. In this way, hookup culture is an effort to stay emotionally safe, reflecting and perpetuating anxiety, ambivalence, and pessimism about love.”
Well, friends, it isn’t THAT simple anymore. Not under these circumstances.
I have spoken to friends and clients who are still getting out there, going on dates, and engaging in physical activity. But another majority have opted out for now; exploring creative ways to continue to date while social distancing and taking physical precautions for themselves and others.
And what’s coming out of that?
Some interesting revelations. Actually getting to know more about a person, MUCH more, before even meeting in person. Having deeper conversations about meaningful things, even if those things are about how each other are navigating COVID19 circumstances.
This pandemic has become an open invitation for singles to date more authentically than ever before.
People now have the chance to face their fears around putting more of themselves out there before meeting or before being physical. The pattern of getting to know someone may change as we have recently known it, and this may be a good thing for the future of long-lasting and fulfilling relationships.
There is a real opportunity right now to build a new relationship on values, beliefs, and an actual relationship versus a false sense of one. It’s an opportunity to let the attraction develop slowly; for the chemistry to go from a warm fuzzy to a stronger fire over more time, versus the instantaneous high many people seek out.
Dr. Solomon states that love isn’t mean to be “chill”. As a relationship expert, I 100% agree. Yet, at the beginning, we follow this idea that we need to find someone with whom a relationship feels sexy and easy (oftentimes called “chemistry”), and if it diverts from that path, something is wrong (or someone is wrong).
Our new normal of dating may feel a little different or awkward at times, but as I often tell my clients, “if you’re feeling anxiety about it, it’s probably the path you need to take because it means you’re headed toward growth”.
Ask yourself, what do you have to lose? And, what is there to gain? By taking this chance on yourself and by exploring new ways of getting to know someone, I wonder how you may grow. Whether you connect through friends, meet online or through an app, or however it may be, letting yourself pursue an authentic experience of getting to know ALL of the levels of each other, may just be a very exciting thing.
“Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.” - Esther Perel