Recently, I gave a talk to a room full of couples on marriage expectations.
We had some real, honest, and eye opening conversation about where the expectations we have of our partner, and our relationship, come from.
It was especially interesting when we got to a list of common expectations I’ve heard as a couples therapist, and the audience began to raise their hands with feedback and shared experiences of these VERY narratives our society and world still seems to push on their own relationships.
If it doesn’t feel good, it’s probably not right.
If I have to ask, it’s not as meaningful.
Men don’t do feelings. Women have too many feelings.
Happy wife, happy life.
Oof. Face palm.
That last one particularly stings me, because I believe it perpetuates the exact opposite of what most couples are striving to create today in a partnership.
Today, couples want shared intimacy (and a deep intimacy, at that), reciprocity, to feel supported in their perspective goals, fairness in their roles and lifestyles, to sustain passion, attraction, spontaneity, security, and safety…and most of all, a mutual engagement, interest, and responsibility to the relationship- across the genders.
Talk about HIGH expectations for modern love.
But the expectations listed above perpetuate the outdated rules we internalize about relationships. The narratives that no longer serve present day intimacy.
Relationships aren’t about striving for fairness. They are about becoming your best self and bringing your best to your relationship.
Relationships aren’t about perpetuating this idea that women are too emotional or men are emotionless. They are about learning your unique love languages, and speaking those to each other.
Relationships aren’t about seeking perpetual happiness, or “happily ever after”. They are about accepting the challenge to level up life as you’ve known it on so many levels…and you won’t always feel happy on that path.
The fact that humans are wired to connect, to belong, to experience emotional joy, closeness, and intimacy, is the proof we need that the above expectations no longer serve us.
So, we need to dive into the narratives we are choosing to subscribe to and recognize that this may have more to do with what we learned from our family culture, society, and our culture at large than it has to do with our genetic makeup and what we are, or aren’t, humanly capable of.
It’s time to stop perpetuating the myths above so that we can unlock the new way of relating to each other and asking for what we REALLY want from our relationship.
So, what do you say? Are you ready to level things up?
Liz is the founder of MLC and one of our seasoned couples therapists. Want to learn more about how to have a healthier relationship now? Check out Liz’s free relationship e-book on 5 of the most common relationship mistakes we make, and what to do about them.
Click here to download. Here’s to your relationship!