You Can’t Pour From Empty: How Prioritizing Yourself Improves Your Relationship

What you can’t forget is what they teach you the moment you’re seated on an airplane: if there’s an emergency, who gets the oxygen mask first? You. Why? Because you can’t support anyone else if you can’t breathe yourself.

The same principle applies to emotional health, marriage, and relationships. There is no “we” without “you.” When your basic needs are ignored- rest, space, support, nourishment- your patience gets thinner, your stress gets louder, and your ability to show up in a calm, connected way gets harder. Over time, that strain doesn’t stay contained inside you. It spills into your partnership, your family life, and your friendships.

Interestingly, much of my graduate training as a therapist centered on self-care and self-exploration- not as “extras,” but as essential practices for becoming steady, grounded, and emotionally available. We were assigned to prioritize self-care and report back on what we did. At the time, it felt almost selfish to spend money on something restorative (I chose a massage). I remember thinking, Who does that? I felt undeserving of 30 minutes of relaxation.

And that’s exactly the problem.

Many people- especially caregivers, high-achievers, and exhausted partners- have been taught to treat self-care as indulgent. But in therapy, we often uncover a more accurate truth:

Self-concern is not selfishness.

Self-concern means:

• You recognize your needs matter.

• You’re taking responsibility for your emotional health.

• You want to show up with more presence, patience, and clarity in your relationships.

• You’re choosing prevention over burnout, so resentment doesn’t build and disconnection doesn’t grow.

In individual therapy, self-care can be a doorway into deeper healing: understanding why you over-give, why rest feels “wrong,” or why you only notice your needs once you’re depleted.

In couples therapy, self-care often becomes a turning point because a relationship can’t thrive when one or both partners are running on empty. When you tend to yourself, you’re far more able to communicate clearly, regulate emotions during conflict, and offer genuine connection instead of survival-mode reactions.

If you’re unsure where to begin, start small. This week, commit to one intentional act of self-care per day. Something that helps your nervous system settle and your body feel cared for. Consider:

• A short walk outside or a bike ride

• Reading a chapter of a book you actually enjoy

• Cooking a recipe just for fun (and enjoying it)

• A 10-minute stretch, bath, or quiet coffee with no scrolling

• Scheduling that massage, therapy session, or supportive conversation you keep postponing

You don’t have to overhaul your life to start changing your relationship with yourself…and the ripple effects can be powerful.