Start With What’s Working: The Simple Practice That Strengthens Your Relationship
When couples feel stuck, disconnected, or overwhelmed by conflict, their attention naturally shifts toward what’s not working. The brain is wired to scan for danger, problems, and threats — which means we often miss the quiet, steady things in our relationship that are actually holding everything together.
But here’s the truth:
There is always something working in your relationship — always.
It may not feel huge or profound. It may not solve every challenge you’re facing. But it exists, and noticing it is often the key to healing and rebuilding connection.
So let’s start here:
What is working in your relationship right now?
What is one positive quality, practice, or behavior that has remained steady over time?
If nothing comes to mind at first, don’t panic. That’s normal when stress or disconnection has been in the driver’s seat. But I promise you: there is more than one thing that’s working — and those things matter more than you think.
Allow yourself to notice even the small things:
My partner makes the bed every morning.
We can sit through breakfast without arguing.
We still don’t yell or throw things when we’re angry.
They check in with me during the day.
We laugh together sometimes.
Small things are not small. They’re data — signs of stability, resilience, and goodwill beneath the surface.
For just this moment, take off the lens that is filtering everything through frustration or negativity. Doing so doesn’t invalidate your pain — it simply creates enough room for possibility, optimism, and a more solution-focused way of seeing your relationship.
What to Do: A Simple, Strength-Based Relationship Exercise
Step 1: Write a list of 5 things that are currently working in your relationship.
These can be tiny or significant. The size doesn’t matter — the awareness does.
Step 2: Next to each one, write how you are contributing to it.
This is crucial.
Healthy relationship dynamics are co-created.
Ask yourself:
How am I helping make this good thing possible?
What am I doing (or not doing) that allows this positive pattern to continue?
How am I showing up that supports this part of our relationship?
Recognizing your own contribution builds empowerment, clarity, and a sense of agency.
Step 3: Share your list with your partner.
Let them know what you noticed, what you appreciate, and why those moments or habits matter to you. This is the practice of gratitude — and it is one of the most powerful tools we have for strengthening intimacy.
Step 4: Reflect on why these things matter.
For each item on your list, ask:
Why is this meaningful to me?
How does this support my emotional wellbeing?
What about this dynamic feels positive or grounding?
Understanding the “why” deepens emotional insight and connection.
Next Step: Do More of What Works
This might sound simple, but it is powerful:
Increase the time, attention, and energy you invest in what is already going well.
If breakfast is a moment of calm connection, extend it.
If you both communicate better on walks, make them a ritual.
If one thoughtful gesture softens your heart, name it — and reinforce it.
Relationships grow stronger not just by eliminating what hurts, but by expanding what feels good, safe, stable, and loving.
When your partner does something that works for you:
Tell them.
Name the impact.
Validate the effort.
Appreciate the intention.
Positive reinforcement is not manipulation.
It’s relational nourishment.
The more you both acknowledge what’s working, the more those moments multiply.
Why This Matters
Focusing on what is right in your relationship — instead of constantly analyzing what’s wrong — shifts the emotional climate between you. It reduces defensiveness, increases goodwill, and helps both partners feel seen in their efforts.
And remember:
Relationships flourish where attention flows.
What you nurture grows! Remember, you must sow the seeds in order to reap the harvest.
