How to Harness Uncertainty Instead of Fighting It
When anxiety shows up, it often feels like a problem to eliminate…fast. The tight chest. The racing thoughts. The restless “something’s off” sensation that follows you into meetings, parenting moments, and late-night overthinking.
In Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt into Fuel for Brilliance, Jonathan Fields uses a powerful metaphor: the “butterflies” in our gut. Instead of treating them like enemies to destroy, he suggests learning to ride them- to work with uncertainty rather than wage war against it.
Here’s the shift: What if your anxiety isn’t only a signal that something is wrong… but also information about what matters?
What Are Your “Butterflies” Trying to Tell You?
Anxiety tends to flare up around what feels meaningful, vulnerable, or high-stakes. Your butterflies might show up as:
Fear of failure or fear of judgment
Feeling inadequate (hello, shame)
A big test, presentation, or hard conversation
Body changes after pregnancy or major life transitions
Divorce, separation, or relationship uncertainty
Job instability, burnout, or getting fired
Parenting pressure and the feeling you’re “not doing enough”
Add your own. Give them names. Then try this:
A Quick Reframe
Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” try:
“What is this feeling trying to protect me from- and what does it reveal that I value?”
Anxiety often points to a desire for safety, belonging, competence, love, or control. Those needs aren’t wrong. They’re human.
How to Work With Anxiety (Without Letting It Run Your Life)
This doesn’t mean you “accept” anxiety as your forever state. It means you stop turning your inner world into a battlefield.
When you can tolerate uncertainty- even a little more than you did yesterday- you become more able to:
make clearer decisions
stay present in relationships
recover faster after setbacks
respond instead of react
Growth rarely happens in complete certainty. It happens when you can stand in the unknown long enough to learn what’s true.
A 3-Step Self-Compassion Exercise for Anxiety
One of my favorite tools for anxious “butterflies” is Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break (simple, grounded, and surprisingly effective).
Use it when you notice stress rising, spiraling thoughts, or that familiar gut-flutter.
1) Name what’s happening (Mindfulness)
Say to yourself:
“This is a moment of anxiety.”
or
“This is really hard right now.”
2) Remember you’re not alone (Common Humanity)
Try:
“Other people feel this too.”
“I’m not the only one who struggles.”
3) Offer yourself kindness (Self-Compassion)
Place a hand on your chest or stomach and say:
“May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
“May I give myself what I need.”
This doesn’t magically erase anxiety, but it often softens the intensity and helps you regain your center.
Are You Hunting Your Butterflies or Learning to Ride Them?
If you’ve been trying to “hunt and kill” your anxiety, you’re not failing…you’re doing what most of us were taught. But there’s another way:
Notice the butterflies
Get curious about what they’re protecting
Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism
Take one small step forward anyway
When Therapy Can Help
If anxiety is impacting your sleep, relationships, work, parenting, or ability to enjoy life, therapy can help you understand the pattern and build real tools for change—without shaming yourself for having feelings in the first place.
At Millennial Life Counseling, we help clients work through anxiety, stress, self-worth struggles, and relationship dynamics with practical, evidence-based care.
