How to Make Decisions Without Needing Everyone’s Opinion
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
– Erica Jong
That quote tells the truth out loud.
Most of us have a familiar habit. When we feel stuck, anxious, or uncertain, we ask for advice. We text a friend. We poll the group chat. We ask our partner. We ask our mom. We search online. We gather opinions like we are collecting evidence for the “right” choice.
But often, we are not really asking because we want someone else’s wisdom. We are asking because we want relief. We want reassurance. We want to feel less alone in the discomfort of choosing.
Seeking input is not a bad thing. Healthy relationships include feedback, perspective, and support. The problem is when advice becomes a form of external validation, and we lose touch with our own inner voice. Over time, this can quietly erode self-trust and make decision-making feel heavy, confusing, or even impossible.
As a therapist, I’m not interested in telling you what to do. That might feel helpful for a moment, but it usually keeps the deeper pattern in place. What helps most is exploring your beliefs, values, fears, desires, and history. When you understand what is driving you, you can make choices that are more aligned, more grounded, and more true to you.
So here’s a question that can change everything.
When you ask for advice, what are you actually seeking?
Below are three common reasons people get stuck in the advice loop, and how shifting this pattern can strengthen your self-esteem, confidence, and relationships.
1) You are hoping for a specific answer
Many people ask for advice with an unspoken script already running in their head. You might notice it as a tight feeling in your chest while you wait for the response, or a sense of disappointment when the other person says something you do not want to hear.
If you secretly hope they will say, “Yes, do it,” or “No, don’t do it,” that’s valuable information. It means you already have a preference, but you may not feel permission to choose it.
This gets especially tricky for people-pleasers. When you are used to keeping the peace, being the “good one,” or avoiding disappointment, you may rely on others to confirm your choices so you don’t have to carry the risk alone.
Instead of asking ten people what you should do, try asking yourself this first:
What answer am I hoping they give me?
That question often reveals your truth faster than advice ever will.
2) You are practicing doubt instead of self-trust
If you frequently seek advice, it can be a sign that you don’t fully trust yourself yet. That does not mean you are incapable. It usually means you have learned, somewhere along the way, that your needs, instincts, or preferences were inconvenient, wrong, or less important than other people’s comfort.
Here’s a simple self-trust exercise that many clients find helpful.
Before you ask anyone else, pause and write down:
What do I want to do?
What outcome am I afraid of?
What value matters most here?
What would I tell a friend if they were in my situation?
Most of the time, you will land closer to your own value system. And even if the decision is imperfect, you begin building the muscle that matters most, which is confidence in your ability to handle yourself.
Often what we really want from advice is not direction. It is security. We want to know we will be okay no matter what we choose. That’s not something someone else can permanently give you. That comes from self-acceptance and self-validation.
3) Your confidence is looking for a mirror
Think about the classic question: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Underneath it is rarely a fashion question. It is a confidence question. It is a belonging question. It is often a self-worth question.
Do you like what you see in the mirror? Do you feel comfortable in your body? Do you feel confident?
Sometimes people ask because they feel uncertain and want reassurance. Other times, they already feel great and want extra affirmation. Either way, when confidence depends on someone else’s response, it becomes fragile.
Real confidence is quieter. It looks like being able to say, “I like this,” or “This doesn’t feel like me,” and letting that be enough. People are drawn to that kind of steadiness far more than the “perfect” outfit, the “perfect” decision, or the “perfect” life choice.
A healthier way to ask for support
You do not have to stop talking to people. You just want to change how you ask.
Instead of “What should I do?” try:
“Can you help me process what I’m feeling?”
“Can you reflect what you’re hearing in me?”
“Can you help me think through pros and cons without telling me what to choose?”
“Can you support me after I decide?”
That is a shift from outsourcing your inner authority to using connection in a way that strengthens it.
Because the goal is not to never seek guidance, the goal is to stop abandoning yourself in the process.
If you want to grow your self-esteem, reduce anxiety around decision-making, and stop people-pleasing patterns, start here: practice choosing with yourself. Then let support be support, not a substitute for your own knowing.
