🎧 Episode 2: Commitment-Phobe with Avrum Nadigel, MSW
📝 Episode Summary:
In this episode, Liz welcomes Avrum Nadigel, MSW for a conversation on commitment, commitment-phobes, and why the actual idea of commitment is so hard. There are many different pathways to relationships, and one size certainly does not fit all, but we’d love for you to know through our discussion today that commitment, and a successful, long-term relationship are possible.
From Avrum: “When you have a weak sense of self — when you’re not clear on your principles, when your values are vague, and when you are oriented to other people’s feelings — you lose yourself in a relationship. If you could learn to stay, you would find yourself.”
💬 Episode Notes:
There are many different paths to a relationship. There are different approaches and different timelines. Not everyone’s relationship pathway looks the same. And that is okay! – The best time to work on your marriage is when you’re single.
Commitment phobes are not ‘broken’ or ‘beyond repair’.
We pick our partners to either do something different than what we experienced in the families we grew up in, or to repeat something. We pick our partners subconsciously to control our outcome and the type of life and relationship we will have.
Everybody marries for the wrong reasons. It takes being married to figure out what the right reasons are.
On a societal level, we don’t look at commitment as the deeply vulnerable opportunity that it is.
We are a very “feeling-centric” society. As a whole, we believe that ‘if it feels wrong, it’s wrong. If it feels right, it’s right.’
People generally want to commit, they are just afraid that they will lose themselves in that commitment.
If young people could shift the focus to cultivating a friendship and put the pause on the physical relationship over time, they would wake up and often find that they found a great life partner.
Natural problems in your marriage are natural. Changes are supposed to happen! Communication styles will change. Sex will change. It is supposed to be that way.
If you sit in the belief that you will never meet a good match again, you will stay in a relationship that’s not right for way too long.
According to Family Systems Theory, because we are interlocked in a relationship system, if one person calms down, it calms down the group.
Rocky times in a relationship are like turbulence on a plane. If you want to go on a trip, you have to ride out the turbulence; if you want a successful relationship, you have to ride out the rocky times.
Communication issues in a relationship are actually anxiety issues, at a time when both partners have lost themselves in the relationship.
Our culture is so weighed towards togetherness and attachment that it is suffocating couples. Humans need connection, but they also need separateness.
The institution of marriage is a people-growing machine.
Our generation fiercely values independence more than any generation before.
Being your own person and simultaneously staying connected is what we’ve evolved to be.
This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.
📚 Resources Mentioned:
Find Avrum online at nadigel.com
Learning to Commit
Where Would You Like To Start?
The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
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